I am a self-identified phobophile. I love my fears. Fear is a powerful teacher, because fear marks resistance, and resistance is a good place to discover breakthroughs. “Here be dragons!” the signpost reads. But here also be treasures, if you have the patience, trust, and willingness to look.

Fear is a billboard, a mark on the map. Fear is as clear a signal that you’re going the right way as pain is a signal that you’re going the wrong way. As usual, let me employ some metaphor to clarify what I mean:

When you burn your hand on a stove, your immediate reaction (mediated mechanisms in the spinal column itself, not the brain) is to jerk your hand away from the hot stove. Contrarily, when you’re afraid of burning your hand on the stove, your (brain-mediated) reaction will probably make it very difficult to get your fingers to touch the surface you know to be hot. In this sense, the pain response is like suddenly throwing your car in reverse, while fear is like hitting the brakes hard. Technically speaking, both of these cause the car to undergo negative acceleration (acceleration in the opposite direction of current movement), even though the results are quite different. The distinction is in some sense one of degree, and result. Pain leads to movement away from the source of pain, fear leads to reduced movement toward the object of fear.

Pain is a signal from your body that something is wrong, fear is a signal from your body that something might go wrong, based on previous experience of pain from something going wrong. And that, ultimately, is what makes fear such a profound teacher; fear is fundamentally not a feeling that happens in the Now. Fear is based on either a perceived future threat or a recalled prior threat.

When I’m feeling afraid, rather than taking a tip from Rogers and Hammerstein and whistling a happy tune, here are the steps that I go through:

1. Clarify precisely what I’m afraid of. Being stung by that hornet buzzing around me? Looking foolish flirting with an attractive stranger?
2. Identify what I’m avoiding experiencing by going into fear; ie, I’m avoiding experiencing pain with the fear of the hornet sting. I’m avoiding rejection with the fear of looking foolish to the hot stranger.
3. Identify the potential benefits of avoiding the experience the fear is tied up in. The benefit of not being stung is not being in pain. The benefit of not being rejected is not being in pain.
4. Identify the potential benefits of having the experience the fear is tied up in. The benefit of being stung by a hornet escapes me just now. The benefits of approaching the stranger is learning to handle rejection without taking it personally, possibly getting the stranger’s number, making a friend, making a networking contact, etc etc.
5. Optionally spend a moment identifying where the fear came from. Knowing the source of a problem, the painful previous experience that led to fear of similar experiences in the future, can sometimes be helpful in getting the rational mind to step in and override the fear. Sometimes. As often as not, however, I find that I get bogged down in finding the details and understanding why I’m afraid instead of simply taking action. The fear of being stung by a hornet probably comes from being told that it hurts at least as badly as a bee sting, and I know I don’t really enjoy those. The fear of being rejected could come from any number of previous experiences, social programming about how bad rejection is, how mommy wouldn’t let me have ice cream when I was 7 and really wanted it… I think it’s ultimately not that interesting an endeavor, despite traditional psychotherapy’s position.
6. Make a decision about how to handle the fear. I decide to avoid the hornet, moving calmly away from it so as not to excite it. I decide that I’m powerful enough to handle rejection if it comes, and attractive enough to merit a phone number if that comes, and remind myself that whatever reaction I get, it’s not about me (see The Four Agreements for more on that!).
7. Take action! This is the most important step. Intellectualizing is useful only for making sure I’m doing what’s really in my best interest. Running screaming from the hornet reinforces an intense and phobic reaction, so I walk calmly. Telling myself I’m strong enough to handle rejection but not asking for the stranger’s phone number is sending mixed messages to myself, and actions speak louder than words (or thoughts) to the subconscious.
8. Acknowledge myself. I always give myself a little mental high-five when I take considered action in response to fear, instead of just reactively avoiding it. Even if the considered action I take is not to push into the fear, and I don’t talk to the attractive stranger, I make sure to acknowledge myself for at least weighing the pros and cons and making a decision. This reinforces a feeling of having personal power, making it easier to tackle future fears as they arise!

So try it. If you’re afraid of embarrassing yourself by dancing in public, eating too big a steak in front of your boyfriend, or pickles, then go through, step-by-step, what you’re telling your subconscious with your actions, and make a decision. You can’t choose wrong, but consider why you’re choosing fear very carefully, when you do!

Recommended reading:

• The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz